I’m just going to put it out there: my first experience with therapy was a disaster. Not the dramatic, movie-scene kind of disaster, more like that awkward, cringe-y type where you’re sitting in a small, too-clean room, trying to figure out if you’re even in the right place. I remember it clear as day. I was on my early twenties, deeply unhappy and struggling with depression, hoping that this lady across from me, my therapist, would just get what I was feeling. She did not or at least it did not feel this way and all I got were her blank nods.

I remember thinking, “Uh, is this it? Is this therapy?” I went a couple more times, hoping that maybe it’d click. It didn’t. The whole therapy thing felt like I was gossiping with someone who was only half-listening, and it only got more awkward from there. So, I stopped going. I didn’t even bother to explain. Just left after one session and never came back. And there was this thought stuck in my head that maybe therapy wasn’t my thing, maybe I couldn’t be helped. Twenty years passed before I decided to try again. This time, though, I was determined to be a bit smarter about it. I did a little bit of thinking, some research and finally I started to understand what therapy was on about and what I might actually need. And no, it wasn’t as easy as grabbing the first available name. But in the end, I found someone who I finally clicked with. And when you click with somebody, you know it instantly. So here I am writing this article and hoping to make this process easier for you by following a few simple guidelines.

1. Ask yourself what do you need from therapy? First time around, I had no idea what it was for me. I just knew I was feeling overwhelmed and needed help. Turns out, not all therapy is the same. Who knew… There is CBT, which is more about changing how you think and hoping that negative feelings will change as well. Then there’s psychodynamic therapy which digs deep into your past and, although it’s often the subject of jokes, it can sometimes be essential for your healing. In between those two, there are many other approaches, and finally, there is the integrative approach, which I follow, that aims to combine them all.And that’s just scratching the surface. If you’re dealing with anxiety, trauma, or depression, it’s worth spending a little time figuring out what kind of approach might actually work for you. I’m not saying you must become an expert overnight but get a rough idea. Read about it, maybe ask around. It can make a difference.

 2. I wish somebody told me this when I was in my twenties and consequently, I waited two decades before I gave therapy another shot so now I want to make sure that you know it. Shop around and don’t settle on the first therapist you approached. Meet a few, see how it feels. It’s all about the vibe. Most therapists offer a short, free session or a quick call to see if you’re a good fit for each other. Take them up on it! And don’t feel weird asking them questions. How do they work? What’s their psychotherapeutic school? How do they see the process of change? If it doesn’t feel right, move on. It is your right to do so.

3. Think about logistics. Yep, boring but super important. Is their office nearby, or are you going to face a long commute? Do they offer online sessions if you’d rather not leave the house? Are their fees manageable? These little things add up and make a difference. I once found a therapist I kind of liked, but it took me an hour to get to her office. Eventually, I found someone closer, and it made a huge difference. Less hassle getting there made sticking with therapy way easier.

 4. Check In with Yourself After Each Session. That’s something that really helped me out.  I would ask myself, “How do I feel?” Did I walk out feeling lighter, or was I just relieved that it was over? Did I feel heard, or was I still holding back? It took a few tries, but I learned to listen to those feelings. If I felt uneasy session after session, I took it as a sign.  So do the same and trust yourself. Therapy isn’t supposed to be easy, but it’s not supposed to feel like torture, either. If it feels like that, don’t be afraid to move on.

5. Give It a chance but know when to call It off. Therapy isn’t instant magic and it takes time to build that connection and trust. But, there’s a limit. If you’re four or five sessions in and still feeling like you’re talking to a stranger, it might be time to think about changing your therapist. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up, it means you know what you need. For me, it took three tries. Three therapists, a lot of awkward silences, and a few “I’m just not feeling it” moments. But when I found the right one, it felt different. Therapy stopped feeling like a chore and I was actually, more often than not, looking forward to seeing her. She was warm, a bit challenging (but in a good way) and I finally felt energized and motivated to do all the talking. That’s when the real work started.

Although finding the right therapist can be messy, the search is worth it. It may take some trial and error but when you find that person who gets it, who gets you, it makes all the difference. So, don’t settle; keep looking until you find someone with whom you really connect. Remember, therapy is largely about connection. It might take time, and that’s okay. You deserve to be supported, to be validated, to be heard. And when you finally find that, you’ll know it was worth all the awkward moments and false starts. Hang in there.