Sometimes a simple comment from someone close to us can provoke a surprisingly strong reaction. Your partner says you haven’t been listening. A friend points out that you forgot something important. A colleague questions a decision you’ve made. Before you’ve had time to consider what they’re saying, you’re explaining yourself, arguing, withdrawing or pointing out what they’ve done wrong.

Later, you might wonder why you reacted so strongly. Perhaps the criticism was reasonable. Perhaps it wasn’t even particularly harsh. Yet, in that moment, it felt like something much bigger was at stake.

Defensiveness is often described as a bad habit or a refusal to accept responsibility. Sometimes it does involve avoiding responsibility. But it can also be an attempt to protect ourselves from feelings that are difficult to tolerate.

When criticism feels like a judgement of who we are

There is an important difference between hearing that we’ve done something wrong and feeling that there is something wrong with us.

Imagine your partner saying, “You never seem interested when I talk about my day.” You might hear a complaint about your behaviour. But you might also hear something more painful: “I’m a terrible partner. I always disappoint people. Nothing I do is ever enough.”

The conversation has shifted from a specific difficulty to a judgement about your worth.

This is where shame can enter the picture. Guilt generally concerns something we’ve done, whereas shame concerns how we see ourselves. The distinction isn’t always clear-cut, but it helps explain why some criticism feels so threatening.

When shame becomes overwhelming, defending ourselves may feel easier than acknowledging what has happened. We might argue about the details, question the other person’s motives or insist that they are being unfair.

The immediate aim may not be to win an argument. It may be to escape an uncomfortable feeling about ourselves.

Why some people are more sensitive to criticism

Our reactions to criticism develop through a combination of temperament, experiences, relationships and present circumstances.

Someone who grew up with frequent criticism may have learned to expect judgement even when none is intended. Another person may have experienced affection or approval as dependent on achievement, obedience or getting things right. Mistakes may have felt particularly costly.

Over time, such experiences can influence how someone interprets disagreement. A relatively ordinary complaint might be experienced as rejection or humiliation.

But childhood is not the explanation for every defensive reaction. Current relationships matter too. If someone regularly feels dismissed, belittled or unfairly blamed, their defensiveness may reflect something happening in the present rather than an old emotional wound.

Stress, exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed can also reduce our ability to respond thoughtfully. We may have less patience for criticism when we’re already struggling to manage everything else.

It is worth asking not only why someone becomes defensive, but also what they believe is happening when they are criticised.

The problem with protecting ourselves too quickly

Defensiveness can provide immediate relief. Explaining ourselves may help us recover a sense of control. Finding fault with the other person may temporarily reduce feelings of inadequacy.

Unfortunately, the same response can create difficulties in our relationships.

Imagine telling your partner that you felt hurt when they interrupted you. Instead of acknowledging your experience, they explain why they interrupted, insist that you misunderstood or remind you of occasions when you’ve done the same.

Their explanation might be accurate. They may genuinely have had a good reason. But you are left feeling that your experience hasn’t been heard.

The more you try to explain your hurt, the more criticised they may feel. Their defensiveness increases, and so does your frustration.

Soon, neither person is responding to what the other is actually trying to communicate. Both are trying to protect themselves.

This pattern can become particularly difficult when each person experiences the other’s reaction as evidence that they are not understood or cared about.

Can we become less defensive?

Changing defensiveness isn’t simply a matter of learning to accept criticism. Some criticism is unfair, and being less defensive doesn’t mean agreeing with everything someone says.

A more useful starting point may be curiosity about our own reaction.

When someone criticises us, what exactly feels threatening? Are we worried that we’ve disappointed them? Do we feel misunderstood? Are we afraid that admitting a mistake will mean accepting a much harsher judgement about ourselves?

Sometimes the strongest reaction comes not from what another person has said, but from the meaning we’ve given it.

Recognising this difference can create room for another possibility. We might acknowledge that someone is hurt without agreeing with their entire interpretation. We might accept responsibility for a particular action without concluding that we’re inadequate as a person.

Equally, we might recognise that a criticism is unreasonable and respond firmly without needing to attack the person making it.

In therapy, exploring defensiveness can involve understanding the feelings beneath it and the experiences that have shaped those reactions. Intellectual understanding can help, although recognising a pattern doesn’t necessarily make the emotional response disappear. Change may also involve experiencing disagreement, vulnerability and responsibility differently within a relationship.

Perhaps the most interesting question isn’t how to stop being defensive altogether. It’s whether we can gradually become more able to hear something uncomfortable without immediately feeling that we must defend who we are.

After all, being wrong about something doesn’t have to mean being wrong as a person.